I’m not sure I can even bring myself to write these words… Words that will make men the world over shudder with despair. Here it is; according to science people who love wanking are doing themselves damage in the long run.

While all you men compose yourself and wipe away the tears, I’ll get into the science.

Published in Biological Psychology, scientists Dr. Stuart Brody and Tillman Kruger discovered that there’s a 400% higher concentration of chemicals like oxytocin and prolactin during sexual intercourse than with solo orgasms.

This pretty much means you’re getting less oxytocin pleasuring yourself. Why’s that important you ask? Oxytocin is linked with satisfaction, meaning that jerking off is inherently less fun. Less fun is never good, but that’s not where science stops booting us gents in the balls. Oh no.

The more you masturbate, the more dopamine your brain gets flooded with (minus all that happiness from the oxytocin). The more you do this, the more you can actually build up a tolerance or even addiction to it, which is surely a man’s worst nightmare. Take away a man’s ability to enjoy masturbating and what has he got left?

Dr. Michael A. Perelman advised VICE readers to switch things up: “The idea is to be able to be responsive to more than one kind of stimulation, so that you can enjoy a range of responses.”

He’s spot on. Variety is the spice of life, and without it we are just going through the motions. If there’s one task that should never be just ‘going through the motions’ it’s masturbating.

Despite the pitfalls, masturbation does release endorphins that contribute to stress relief, and even boost your immune system. But much like fatty deli meats and cake, it’s all about moderation. Keep things fresh and not too frequent, and you’ll be able to enjoy pleasuring yourself in peace… until you need those little tablets to rev the engine that is.